You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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