I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
