im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
