So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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