I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Reggie can tackle my bush.
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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