I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
