M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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