I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
