I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
