just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
