dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He passed out mid-signature
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
