i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
