Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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