My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
