george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
