My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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