my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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