so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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