The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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