So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
