just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
