and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
