I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Randomize
