Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
