i already hear my dad disowning me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
