someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
