Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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