I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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