I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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