toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
