He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
