My liver just broke up with me...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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