i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
