She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
