I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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