I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
this just has baby written all over it
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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