I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
