Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
