remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
