I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm passing your future prison.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
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he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
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Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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