He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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