my phone needs a breathalizer
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
