He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I could make wine with my vomit
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm just crazy horny about you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
