I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
