Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
