My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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