I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
