He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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