Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
