just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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