The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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