First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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