so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
