you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
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